In the graveyard

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you." "No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Corporate Life

In the past few years: 1. I learnt to operate 3 critical machines: Scanner Printer Xerox Machine 2. I learnt to use 3 High End Software: Microsoft Word Microsoft Excel Microsoft PowerPoint 3. I learnt to use 3 great short cuts: Ctrl+C Ctrl+V Ctrl+S 4. I learnt to say three very imp words for professional life: Yes sir. Ok sir. I'll Just Do That sir. 5. When I really wanted to quit, I learnt to: Wake Up early. Sleep late. Continue to Work. 6. I learnt to: Face Monday! Fight For 5 Days! Wait For Friday! 7. I learnt to give reasons to family friends and relatives for not making: Phone Calls Messages Mails 8. I learnt to celebrate these things far away from loved ones: Birthday New Year Festivals 9. In last one year, People say: You Learnt... You Earned... You Enjoyed... 10. But when I compare me with my self I just Sustained... I just Tolerated... I just Survived... for bucks. 11. I have survived: For convenience of my Family... To avoid blame of Society... To get tag of Employment... 12. When I already knew that I have got the wrong train... I learnt to Rejoice... To be Happy... To Smile... I learnt that corporate life and dreams can never meet... Because when they meet, both will lose their meaning!!!

With Age Comes Wisdom

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!" The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A Job Application

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells. NAME Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I? DESIRED SALARY Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION Yes. LAST POSITION HELD Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING It was a crap job. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK Any. PREFERRED HOURS 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - NO! On my breaks - YES! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely. They hired him because he was so funny.....

Phenomenal 2 Letter Word

I'm sure you will enjoy this. One word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep is UP. Read until the end... you'll laugh. This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car. At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now...... my time is UP! So, did this whole thing, crack you UP? Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not... it's UP to you. Now I'll shut UP!

A Smart Salesman

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said, "One!" The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "Pound 188,427.55" The manager choked and exclaimed, "Pound 188,427.55!!! What the hell did you sell him???" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4." The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... "Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

The Monks and a Woman

Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the roadsides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a deep puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up to her and lifted her in his arms, carried her over the puddle and left her on the other side of the road. Afterwards, he continued on his way to the monastery. The younger monk was both confused and slightly upset by the elder monk's actions. Later in the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and testily said, "Sir, as monks, isn't it true that we cannot touch women?" The elder monk answered, "Yes, brother." The younger monk then responded, "But then, sir, how is it that you lifted that women on the roadside?" The elder monk smiled at him and said, "Brother, I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her."

Castaway

A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch. Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl. "Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!" Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked, "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?" "Almost four years, I think" he replied. She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed." "Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"

Cross Eyed Bull

Banta had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem. "Banta, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop." The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Banta was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me 1000 bucks for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself." He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Santa. "Santa, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing." Banta started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch." Santa went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it. "What the hell are you doing, Santa?" says Banta. "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

Breakfast Menu

Officers' Mess notice for Sunday Breakfast: We are serving gently browned, delicately hand-rolled whole wheat pancakes for lunch today, stuffed with a mixture of lightly spiced mashed potatoes, sauteed onions livened up with just a hint of chilli, mint and coriander and topped with a swirl of golden butter. Accompaniments include beaten, fluffy yoghurt light as air and a home-made dip made from tender, young mangoes and spices, red as uncut rubies...!!! Hindi Translation: We are serving 'Aloo Parathas' with dahi and achaar..!!!

The Poker Game

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling." The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

Military Training

Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do? So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions. The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still. Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"

Hyderabadi Mother

Mom: Beta where are you now? It's 1.00 AM na Beta, come home fast! Son: Who's This ??? Mom: Arre O Murde!! Zaleel. Kaha Hai Re Ttu? Itti Raat ho Gayi Na, Kidar Mara Re. Awara Gardi Karte. Jaldi Ghar Ku Aaa. Son: Aji ammi Tum Hai ??? Iti Izzat Se Baat Karre Toh Mai Samjha Ki ABBA Dusri Shadi Kar Liye. Abhi Aaroo.

Punjabi family

Getting married to a Punjabi? If you are not a Punjabi yourself, then get ready for a boatload of surprises. You will spend the rest of your life with, arguably, the happiest people on earth but with a few side effects. Just don't bother to change them, because nothing done in the past has worked.

 

Enjoy the ride and get used to these 16 things:

1. Everyone, almost everyone around you will talk loudly; get used to it.

Even if you are standing just inches away from people at home, they will still shout out to you, as if you were standing a few blocks away from them.

 

2. Almost every day, there is going to be some sort of drama.

The smallest things will trigger emotional outbursts. It may involve - you have been warned - crying and cursing, too. Just hold your ground, count till 100 if you are scared or bored and let it pass. Punjabis get back to their good-natured selves very soon.

 

3. Don't forget to use the standard prefix 'Ji' else you will be insulting everyone if you don't do that.

No matter what you call your mom and dad, when married into a Punjabi family, mummy becomes 'mummy ji', Daddy become 'daddy Ji', your sister-in-law becomes 'parjhai ji' , and so on.

 

4. A Punjabi family is not big, it's huge, and you've got to keep it like that.

Relatives are going to be there in every part of the country, and the world. You will have to please them, whether they come from Bhatinda, Ludhiana, Chandigarh or Canada.

 

5. Kanneda and Amreeka are scared places. Anyone who stays there is an important NRI relative.

They are addressed as Kanneda wali bua ji, Kanneda wale Chacha Ji, Kanneda wale Phoofa ji, and you must give them special attention, care and time.

 

6. Breakfast means Paranthas. And if the temperature outside is soaring, there's Lassi too.

Once married into a Punjabi family, forget about dieting. Firstly, they don't like thin and lean people, and, secondly, they won't let you go on a diet come what may. Don't worry about variety. There's aloo, gobhi, muli, daal, even egg ka parantha, which will always be served with a large dollop of butter and a glass of Lassi.

7. Don't even think about saying 'I don't know how to dance!!!'

It's the biggest offence to not be able to dance if you're in a Punjabi family. They don't expect you to be professional or poised, as far as you can shake your legs a bit (wildly).....

 

8. Forget about saving, only think about giving.

Punjabis are the most generous people. Being generous runs in the blood of Punjabis.

 

9. Sometimes they show off a bit, but it's all in good faith.

Latest jewellery, big cars, big house, lavish weddings, huge meals; they are going to show off in every aspect of life, wherever it is possible to do so.

 

10. Don't mind, but most Punjabis can't converse without abusing.

 

11. Be ready for the family hug at every occasion.

No matter if it's a birthday party, anniversary or wedding, it remains incomplete without a BIG family hug.

 

12. Nothing will ever compare to the warmth and love of Beeji.

Anything small or big, beeji (grandma) will always take your side and lend you unconditional support through thick and thin.

 

13. B is always for butter chicken.

 

14. All the despairs will be drowned in alcohol.

Ask for as much as you want.

 

15. You cannot wear plain clothes; it is below the prestige of the family. And if you do, this is what you should expect from your mother-in-law.

 

16. And lastly, to qualify as a Punjabi bahu, you must know how to make perfectly round chapattis. If not, nothing else can compensate it!

Say Goodbye to Mom

We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

 

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

 

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

 

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

 

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her A*s with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat A*s downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"

 

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Pearls of Wisdom

The FEMALE always makes THE RULES. THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice. No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES, She must immediately change some or all THE RULES. The Female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said. The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The MALE must remain calm at all times, Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset. The MALE is expected to mind read at all times. The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp. Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm. If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready, The MALE must be ready at all times.

How to Make a Man/Woman Happy

How to Make a man happy: 1. Feed him. 2. Sleep with him. 3. Leave him with peace. 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs). 5. Don't bother him with his movements. So whats so hard about that? How to make a woman happy: It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needsto be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef. 8. An electrician. 9. A plumber. 10. A mechanic. 11. A carpenter. 12. A decorator. 13. A stylist. 14. A sexologist. 15. A gynecologist. 16. A psychologist. 17. A pest exterminator. 18. A psychiatrist. 19. A healer. 20. A good listener. 21. An organizer. 22. A good father. 23. Very clean. 24. Sympathetic. 25. Sthletic. 26. Warm. 27. Attentive. 28. Gallant. 29. Intelligent. 30. Funny. 31. Creative. 32. Tender. 33. Strong. 34. Understanding. 35. Tolerant. 36. Pprudent. 37. Ambitious. 38. Capable. 39. Courageous. 40. Determined. 41. True. 42. Dependable. 43. Passionate. WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. Give her compliments regularly. 45. Go shopping with her. 46. Be honest. 47. Be very rich. 48. Not stress her out. 49. Not look at other girls. AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. Give her lots of attention. 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself. 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.. BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT 53. Never forget Birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine arrangements she makes.

Alia Bhatt Trolls

Interviewer: Alia, according to you, which is the best team in IPL 7 so far? Alia Bhatt: Sunrisers Hyderabad because all have orange caps. Deepika: Will you come to see my Chennai Express? Alia: No! IRCTC site is not working. Alia Bhatt is so dumb that she thought Pani Puri, Sev Puri are all relatives of Amrish Puri. Chetan Bhagat: What's the opposite of IIT? Alia: U UCoffee. Arnab: What's the first name of Modi? Alia: Abki Baar. Aamirv Khan: How did India get Indipendence? Alia: When you hit a six against England. Mahesh Bhaat: Vote dene chalein? Alia Bhaat: Papa aap miss call karke bhi vote de sakthe hain, maine kal DID mein dekha tha...!!! Einstein says: Be friends with Alia Bhatt and feel like a genius all the time! Scene: Alia Bhatt on KBC Q. Alia, which of the following is the largest? A. A Peanut B. An Elephant C. The Moon D. A Kettle Alia: It's B. An Elephant... Alia Bhatt in Arnab Goswami's studio Arnab Goswami: Alia, Who will win the elections? Alia: Aam aadmi party because its 'aam' ka season. Scene: Alia Bhatt on Koffee With Karan. Karan: Alia, who was the first person to climb Mount Everest? Alia: Simple, the person who made it. Scene: Boman Irani asks Alia Boman: Alia do you know MS office? Alia: If you tell me the address I ll know. Scene: Alia Bhatt on Koffee With Karan (rapid fire) Karan: Alia which food do you love the most? Alia: Desi. Karan: And which dish? Alia: Pasta.

Stop Barking

Pati Patni Ki Ladayi Ho Rahi Thi. Pati Ne Patni Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha??? Biwi Ne Koi Jawab Nahi Diya. Pati Ne Fir Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha??? Biwi Fir Chupp Rahi. Pati Ne Ek Baar Aur Puchha: Main Tumse Kuch Puch Raha Hun. Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha??? Biwi: Nahi Kaha Aur Please Ab Bhaunkna Band Karo.

Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned..."

Problems & Solutions

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.) (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

The Arab Pilot

During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down. The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane. "How fast can it fly?" The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating. "How many rockets does the plane carry?" Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another good beating. "What is the maximum altitude of flying?" The pilot responds with silence, and get another beating. This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him. When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter. The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught. "Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"

Women and Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

Patel Brothers

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Jignessbhai, look who's trying to teach the Patel brothers about bijness!"

A Gifted Portrait Artist

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $25,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned. "It would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said, "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Logic at it's Best

A conversation heard at a local pub: "Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me." "But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you." "No you're not." "Yes, I am." "Can prove you're not. Bet you $5." "You're on." "You're not in New York City, are you?" "That's true." "And you're not in Montreal." "Can't argue with you there." "And you are definitely not in Paris." "Nope." "If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else." "Yea, that makes sense." "Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5." "Can't." "Why not?" "I'm not here."

Honest Job Interview

1. Why did you apply for this job? I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it's just that you called me first. 2. Why do you want to work for this company? I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind. 3. Why should I hire you? You have to hire some one, you may give me a try. 4. What would you do if this happened? Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation... 5. What is your biggest strength? I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company. 6. What is your biggest weakness? Girls 7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it? Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today. 8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of? Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there. 9. Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it? Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that. 10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job? For the same reason why you left your previous job. 11. What do you want from this job? No work and good hikes. 12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them? Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years. 13. What do you know about our company? I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website. 14. What salary are you expecting? Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask. So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.

Man's Best Friend

A real woman is man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind...

Dealing with Wives

Wife to hubby: Darling in pictures of Shiva-Parvati, Shiva has a Trishool. In pictures of Vishnu-Lakshmi, Vishnu has Chakra in hand and pictures of Rama-Sita, Rama has bow in hand. But in case of Krishna-Radha, he has flute in hand. Why is this?

 

Hubby: You see dear the three God's whom you mentioned first are with the wives. That is why they have weapons. Krishna is with his girlfriend. Hence no weapons required. This shows when it comes to dealing with wives, even Gods need protection.

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher." The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Management Lessons from Gabbar Singh

Gabbar Singh was a MANAGEMENT GURU as is reflected in some of the timeless management lessons he delivered thru the movie Sholay. 1. Jo Darr Gaya Samjho Mar Gaya - Courage and enterprise are important factors for laying the successful foundation of a growth oriented business. 2. Kitne Admi The ? - It's important to know the competition and its size. He understood that even a small team can make a difference. 3. Arey O Sambha, Kitna Inaam Rakhe Hai Sarkar Hum Par ? - Promoting one's own brand is very important and to be reiterated always. 4. 6 Goli, Aur Aadmi 3! - Create an illusion where his insurbodinates had a chance of survival but kills them in the next scene. Moral - Perform or perish. 5. Le Ab Goli Kha - Sometimes in the interest of the organisation you have to take hard and unpopular decisions.... So sometimes a leader has to 'fire' some employees. 6. Yeh Ramgarh Waale Apni Betiyon Ko Kaunsi Chakki Ka Aata Khilate Hai Re - Market research is important to understand value propositions !! 7. Yeh Haath Mujhey Dedey Thakur - Identify elements of threats in the market and take measures to minimise them. 8. Holi Kab Hai, Kab Hai Holi ? - Conduct advance mapping of key events within the industry and devise penetration strategy to have a competitive edge over your rivals.

Out of Stock

Santa was appointed as sales person at a local store in Chandhigarh. While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement. It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Santa aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like pineapple jam, guava, aprioct jam and so on." Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Santa politely replied, ""I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try some Carbon Paper or Sand Paper!"

Walking Backward

Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo. When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave. One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?" Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me, 'You've got such a great ass it could bring a dead man back to life.' So I'm not taking any chances!"